i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
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