Fine. I'll sleep in my office
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
