May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
