Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
