You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
