my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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