the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize