you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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