have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
