I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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