I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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