roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
