She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
