this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
