I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
