i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
