I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
