I met the friendliest cop last night
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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