Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
