Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
