I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
