The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Panties = found
Randomize
