i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
