My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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