I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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