Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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