Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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