Jerry, you need to find god
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
