He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I said "one day" and that day is not today
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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