We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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