my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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