Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
