Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
