in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
