I'm jealous of your bromance
4 words: hood of his car
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Randomize
