Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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