I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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