Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
