i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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