I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
i drank out of a bidet.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I need to align my fucking chakras
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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