i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Just high enough for therapy.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
