Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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