My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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