Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
