I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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