3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
