We named our party play list daddy issues
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
