woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
