Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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