His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
