There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
