considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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