God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I take back everything I said about communal showers
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
