...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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