Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
