Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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