Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
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