sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
