I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
