what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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