just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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