i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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