FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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