Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
he had hair everywhere except his balls
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
My vagina is very pro this idea
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
