There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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