There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
